Zone d’entraide

PapillonSigma910

Hello,

I sent an email yesterday to see if my text was correct and received this comment: I would maybe try to rewrite the sentence Firstly, do not judge [...]. You should try to voice it in a way that it wouldn't seem like your thoughts, by linking it to an idea from the book. It needs to be more precise (tip: it should not apply to every book). 

But I don't understand how I'm supposed to modify the phrase to not make it seem like my thoughts. The teacher told me to link it to an example but I'm already explaining another example related to that thought.

Thank you (the book is The Outsiders)

Part of the text: Firstly, do not judge someone based on their external appearance. For example, at the novel's beginning, Ponyboy wishes his eyes were more gray than green because he hates most guys with green eyes. However, the more the story progresses, his perspective changes. He mentions on page 130 that he realized that Cherry, who is a Soc, has green eyes. This example makes it clear to him that they are the same even under those given labels.

Sarah G

Hello ! :)

You are right, my comment was hard to read. In other words, if you say «firstly, do not judge someone based on their external appearance», it's as if YOU were saying that to the reader. You are talking about a lesson from the book, so you just need to precise that it is.

Eg : Firstly, on many occasions, the narrative conveys that one should not judge someone based on their external appearance. OR Firstly, Ponyboy realizes that one should not judge someone based on their external appearance.

Do you understand the slight difference ? That way, it is clear that it is an idea that is based on your reading of the book (either by naming the narrative or directly naming a character)

The example is clear and illustrates your idea.

However, you say Ponyboy wishes his eyes were more gray than green because he hates most guys with green eyes and then He mentions on page 130 that he realized that Cherry, who is a Soc, has green eyes. This example makes it clear to him that they are the same even under those given labels.

• You start by saying that he hates most guys with green eyes
• Cherry is a Soc who has green eyes
• They are the same

You are missing a bit of details. When you write an essay, you always have to pretend your reader hasn't read the book.

So, you start by explaining the hatred. Then, you should mention what is Ponyboys's feeling towards Cherry (what is a Soc, is Cherry his friend ?).

Also, you say it is clear to him they are the same (who are the same ? Cherry and Ponyboy? And why are they the same ? What is their common trait, since Ponyboy is not a Soc ?

If you don't give details, it makes it seem as if you said : Ponyboy hates green eyes, but Cherry has green eyes and since she is a Soc and Ponyboy is too, they're the same.

Keep up your good work ! :)

Sarah G