My child was caught cheating. What should I do?

You’ve just received an unthinkable email: your child was caught cheating on a test. What on earth? The teacher says they had multiplication tables written on the palm of their hand. 

In your mind’s eye, you see the child you thought was an angel grow devil’s horns.

Like any other parent, you immediately think the teacher must be wrong. “My child?” you say to yourself. “Never! I raised my child better than that. There must be some kind of mistake!”

After your initial reflex, however, you have to ask yourself the hard question: “What if it’s true?”

As tough as it may be, it’s important to keep your mind open to the possibility that your child will make mistakes as they grow, and that some of those mistakes might not be as honest as you’d like.

Before talking to your child or their teacher, take a moment to calm down and clear your mind. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Is my child having trouble with the subject they just cheated in? Was it to avoid the shame of a bad mark? What can I do to address these difficulties and make sure my child is better prepared or more confident the next time around?
• How do I react when my child does poorly on a test? Did my child cheat to avoid getting in trouble with me? Am I putting too much pressure on them?
• Is this dishonesty a sign that my child will become a delinquent? Or was it really just an honest mistake?
• Would a heart-to-heart talk with my child help them learn from this mistake? How can I encourage my child to tell me the truth? How do I teach them that honesty is always the best policy?
• How should I go about discussing this with the teacher? How much should I tell my child about our discussion?

Once you’ve given yourself time to think, talk things over with your child.

• Let them know what the teacher said, without laying blame.
• Explain that cheating is a mistake that a lot of kids make, and then ask them what happened. Before they answer, emphasize that you would much rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty lie. Most importantly, let them have their say without interrupting.
• After they’ve finished speaking, explain that cheating is always wrong, whether or not they’re truly to blame. It’s unfair to those who studied hard and didn’t cheat, and it’ll only hurt them in the long run.
• Acknowledge that you do want them to do well in school, because every parent wants their child to succeed! Sometimes children think this means they have to succeed at any cost. Let them know you’ll always love them regardless of their grades. You’re their parent, and that means you’ll support them and help them grow. You’re not there to scold them, even if it’s normal to feel disappointed in them at first.
• Acknowledge that school can be hard, and that while it’s sometimes tempting to take shortcuts, that’s not always a good idea:
  • The teacher won’t see that you’re struggling, which means they won’t realize that you need help.
  • What will you do when it isn’t possible to cheat (e.g., increased teacher supervision)?
  • Is it worth cheating if you get caught?

It’s always best to end difficult conversations like this one on a positive and encouraging note. For example, you can wrap up by saying that the only way to really succeed is to go to school, do your best, and, most importantly, ask questions when you don’t understand something. Let your child know that however challenging school may be, you’ll always be there to support and encourage them.